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Rhode Island Divorce Lawyer Brenda L. Fortune Post Article on Divorce Statistics in the United States

29 Dec
Divorce Statistics in the USA
Read and find out which state in America has the highest per capita divorce, how does the race and age play in divorce, and more!

Most people agree that modern Americans are living in a society permeated with divorce. Even in the mass media, divorces and remarriages are common fodder for television shows and movies. Headlines are splashed with the tawdry details of the latest celebrity split. The most recent compilation of divorce statistics reveals interesting information about the state of the American family.

Divorce Rate in America

For the past decade, the overall American divorce rate has remained stable, at around 50% for first marriages. The statistics are become more depressing for each successive marriage, with 65% of second marriages ending in divorce and even higher rates for third marriages and beyond. Divorce rate statistics show that 3.6 to 5% of marriages are ending every year, cumulating in a large portion of adults who have personally experienced divorce at some point in their lives.

Top Reason for Divorce

Money problems are often cited as the number one cause of divorce in America, but it’s impossible to calculate because they are part of a larger cause usually called ‘irreconcilable differences’, which basically means that couple couldn’t get along. These account for about half of all American divorces. Another key cause is adultery, with an estimated quarter of marriages dissolving for this reason. Surprisingly, very few people cite outright abuse as a cause of divorce.

State with Highest Divorce Rate

Most people are not surprised to find that Nevada is the American state bearing the highest per capita divorce with a 6.4% divorce rate. Like marriage in Nevada, divorce in Nevada has been streamlined so that even couples from other states can go there for a quickie divorce. Americans might be surprised, however, to find out which state has the fewest marriages ending in divorce. Statistics show that the crime-laden District of Columbia had the lowest divorce rate, with just 1.7 percent of couples splitting during the last reported year.

The Age and Race Factor

Married couples nowadays are most likely young, ethnic, and/or city dwellers. The younger a couple is when they marry, the more likely they are to divorce. Couples who come from different racial, ethnic, or religious backgrounds are more likely to divorce as well. As with all things, race plays its part, with 11% of African-Americans, 10% of whites, and almost 8% of Hispanics having been through a divorce. Divorce statistics also reveal that urban couples are more likely to get divorced than their rural counterparts.

Family with Children Matters

Unfortunately, families with children make up a large proportion of marriages ending in divorce. Statistics show that two out of three marriages ending in divorce have minor children in the home. American children are the least likely in the Western world to grow up in the same household as both biologically related parents, with only 63% living in this situation at any given time. Over nine percent of all households are lead by single mothers, and almost two percent by single fathers. This means that over ten percent of American households are being managed and supported by overburdened, exhausted single parents. In contrast, married households with children at home make up just one third of the population.

As divorce statistics continue to rise, experts expect the proportion of single parent households to increase as well. This can have a huge impact on not just American families, but the American culture as a whole, as children from single parent households often do not receive the attention and security they need. 85% of children with behavioral problems and 71% of high school drop outs are from fatherless homes. Studies have shown that children from single parent homes are also more likely to have teenaged pregnancies and to become single parents themselves. Children with divorced parents present unique behavioral and psychological challenges that our society is not yet equipped to deal with.

Even people who have never personally divorced a spouse may find themselves negatively affected by divorce. Perhaps their parents divorced, or as they age, their children may divorce. When you add in siblings, friends, and work associates, it is not a huge conjecture to say that 100% of the American population is meaningfully affected by divorce rate statistics. Even in the rare case that someone may not personally know divorced people, Americans live in a society where marriage are family are no longer permanent, unconditional arrangements. This lack of stability has its effect on everyone. With the increase in remarriage and the resulting stepfamilies, divorce may mean a mere dissolution of the nuclear family unit, but also a permanent loss of people who once were family members-stepparents and stepsiblings.

Ways that Make Marriages Last

Couples who received premarital counseling have a much lower rate of divorce. This is probably because they worked out their differences in a calm and neutral setting before the actual situations arose. Couples who actively practice a religion together and pray on a daily basis have a much lower divorce rate, which is estimated at around 1-2%. However, religious couples who are not as active do not enjoy this low divorce rate; conservative Christians in general were more likely than atheists or agnostics to divorce.

Another good way to avoid becoming part of the divorce statistics is to marry at a later age. Statistics show that women who married as teens have the worst divorce rates, and women who married after 25 are the most successful in their marriages. Age and maturity play a huge role in a marriage’s chance of success.

As the statistics show, divorce in America has risen to the point that every marriage is threatened. Behind the numbers are millions of families struggling to rebuild after this incredible loss. However, most people do not regret their divorce once the actual legal procedure is complete. Even among people who were not the instigators of divorce, most divorced couples are happier years later. Although many people view divorce as a threat to the fabric of American society, it clearly can be the right choice in many circumstances.

Here are additional resources you might be interested in:

If you are in need of a experience Rhode Island Divorce Lawyer Brenda L. Fortune contact her now at 401 782-2300 or send her an EMAIL. Rhode Island Divorce Lawyer Brenda L. Fortune is well experienced in Child Custday and Child Support matters. Call Rhode Island Family Law Lawyer Brenda L. Fortune today to receive your free initial consultation.

 

Rhode Island Divorce Lawyer Brenda L. Fortune Posts Monica Medina Article The Light at the End of the Tunnel

28 Dec

Light at the End of the Tunnel.
By Monica Medina.
Writer and public media professional

In honor of the New Year, I’m here to offer some hope. After all, like many of you, I’ve been through the ringer of divorce. I’ve paid my dues and am now an alumnus of “Divorce University.” That means I’m in a position to bring you some good news.

Wherever you are with your divorce, whatever stage you’re in, know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. That light might be on the blink right now, but rest assured that one day, it will be there, with a strong, bright beam. In the meantime, take a breath, do your best to keep a positive attitude and keep saying to yourself, “This, too, shall pass.”

If you ask me, divorce might very well be the worst experience of your life, second only to the passing of a loved one. (I should know; I lost both of my parents during my divorce.) Think of it as a revolution inside your head, one that you feel all the way to the pit of your stomach. You’re in the eye of the storm, grappling with what went wrong and meeting with lawyers and mediators. You may even be doing all this while feeling numb and shocked by the demise of your marriage. Perhaps, you’re feeling as though you have been hit by a truck. Repeatedly.

Well, these emotions don’t last forever, though it may be hard to see that while you’re smack in the middle of it and all that it entails — the “he said, she said” banter, the dividing of the assets, custody battles, etc. Having hope that you can make it through the tunnel or, even, that there is a tunnel, can be hard to imagine. But, having graduated from D.U., I speak from experience. It will get better, with a lot of perseverance, and a little help from the old adage, time heals everything.

Believe it or not, divorce can be an opportunity. It has the potential to uplift you. For, when the day comes that you reach the other side of the tunnel, you’ll likely find, not only did you recover and come out of it okay, you are no longer the same person you were before the divorce, and the change you’re seeing is, no doubt, for the better. Which is what happened to me.

When I was first going through my divorce, I’d wake up everyday, saying to myself:

“Welcome to my nightmare!”

I can’t pinpoint when I stopped, but I know it took years. One morning, I just woke up and realized I wasn’t saying it anymore. I discovered I had power. For the first time in ages, my self-esteem was high, and I was feeling good about myself. I had achieved this through the will to survive, which is inherent in all of us, and by taking baby steps. Sounds corny, I know. But it’s true.

You see, even though my ex initiated the discussion of divorce, and moved out, he wasn’t ready to take any further action than that. He said he needed time to think about our future, and whether we could possibly have one together. So, I waited. And then, I waited some more. I spent months in limbo. Almost a year. I was hoping we could work it out.

But, one day I finally realized that it just wasn’t going to happen. So I made up my mind to stop waiting, since the uncertainty of my situation was doing a major number on me. I needed to take my future into my own hands, and not leave it up to him.

It was time for me to think about what I wanted. Which is when I went to see a lawyer and filed the papers. I made a slew of other decisions, too. Like taking my maiden name back, and establishing my own accounts and credit. And, with each decision I made, I felt empowered.

I was changing and no longer kowtowing to my ex, or to his parents. He noticed the difference and I could tell that it made him uncomfortable. But I didn’t care. I was finding my inner strength!

Each choice that I made represented a baby step, and before I knew it, I was hitting my stride! I felt like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz. I finally figured out how to get back home — to me.

So, patience. It takes time. Getting there isn’t easy and each of us has to get there in our own way. Maybe this will be the year for you. And when you do reach the end of that tunnel, you’ll know it’s worth it. And so are you.
Follow Monica Medina on Twitter: http://twitter.com/#!/monicastangled

If you are in need of a experience Rhode Island Divorce Lawyer Brenda L. Fortune contact her now at 401 782-2300 or send her an EMAIL. Rhode Island Divorce Lawyer Brenda L. Fortune is well experienced in Child Custday and Child Support matters. Call Rhode Island Family Law Lawyer Brenda L. Fortune today to receive your free initial consultation.

 

Rhode Island Divorce Lawyer Brenda L. Fortune Post Edra J. Pollin, Esq Article: Top 10 STUPIDEST Things People Do In Divorce Court

21 Nov

Edra J. Pollin, Esq.
Family Law Attorney

Getting ready for trial in a divorce or child custody case can be a stressful time as litigants and litigators attempt to condense the details and documents of a relationship into the hours or days of a trial. If you’re represented by counsel, it is your attorney’s job to prepare you for trial and to deliver a concise and convincing presentation of your case to the court. That said, since judicial determinations are often based upon the behavior a party exhibited in the courtroom rather than the exhibits they offered into evidence, please consider the following helpful hints for your day in divorce or custody court:

1. Do not roll your eyes, mutter under your breath or otherwise gesticulate when your spouse is testifying. Although justice may be blind, most judges are not. To the contrary, they are usually astute observers of body language who rarely appreciate one party’s use of facial expressions to mock the other spouse’s testimony. If your spouse is misrepresenting facts to the court, pass a few brief written comments to your attorney and patiently await their brilliant cross examination.

2. Do not keep referring to your child as “my” son or “my” daughter. More often than not, a parent who consistently uses the singular possessive pronoun with regard to the children is a parent who is singularly possessive about who should raise them.

3. Make sure that you’ve disclosed relevant and potentially embarrassing personal facts to your attorney early on in the case. Many years ago when I was a public defender, I represented “Jordan” who was charged with driving under the influence of alcohol. At the first office appointment, Jordan provided me with a detailed description of his performance on the roadside sobriety test, but he neglected to mention that when he exited the vehicle he was wearing a “teddy” negligee and a pair of high heels. Although Jordan’s was a criminal case which was resolved without a trial, his story bears repeating for divorcing spouses whose personal habits are relevant to their case.

4. Don’t bring your entire extended family and ten of your closest friends to your divorce hearing. During a marriage, most spouses would think twice about sharing their income tax returns or the intimate details of their relationship with third parties. When a marriage is ending, some divorcing spouses abandon this rule of privacy and assume that inquiring minds want to know everything about the divorce. If you need a support system to get you through the trial, pick no more than two people to sit quietly in the bleachers of the courtroom.

5. Don’t wear your torn blue jeans, your muscle shirt or your mini skirt to divorce court. Strange but true, months of trial preparation can be undone in an instant by a client who is dressed to tease rather than to testify. A provocative outfit may be great for the weekend after your divorce but it’s a fashion disaster for your custody case. When you select your courtroom attire, pretend you’re heading for a job interview. In some respects, you are.

6. Do not be rendered speechless if you’re asked to describe the positive aspects of your spouse’s parenting. A child custody case can be won or lost with the single question, “Can you describe some of the positive aspects of your spouse’s parenting skills?” On occasion, this question is followed by a pregnant pause as the witness scrambles to identify one favorable aspect of the other party’s parenting. If you can’t say anything positive about your spouse to the court, you’re probably not saying anything positive about your spouse to the kids.

7. Don’t display open hostility toward your spouse’s attorney. Your spouse’s attorney is probably not on your Christmas list. If you’re openly hostile toward opposing counsel during your cross-examination, you’re probably scoring more points for the other team than for yours. Keeping your cool on the witness stand is a great way of saying that you have nothing to hide.

8. Don’t read or receive text messages during the hearing. If you want the Court to pay full attention to the testimony, make sure that you do the same.

9. In a child custody dispute, don’t keep talking about “your” needs and “your” desires. Custody cases are determined based upon “the best interests of the child”. At trial, it is a safe assumption that the court doesn’t particularly care about you or your spouse, but the court cares deeply about the child(ren) you have created together.

10. Don’t tell long winded stories with irrelevant details of your spousal disputes. In divorce court, most judges have full dockets, sore backs and a desire to make it to lunchtime without an emergency hearing. If you’re asking the court for a protection order, describe the alleged spousal abuse and avoid the temptation to explain the minute details of the domestic dispute which precipitated the abuse.

Hopefully, my top ten tips will improve your odds at trial although there are no guarantees of success in the world of litigation. Ignore them if you wish but you just might end up seeking out another top ten list entitled, “Top Ten Local Lawyers To File An Appeal.”

If you are in need of a experience Rhode Island Divorce Lawyer Brenda L. Fortune contact her now at 401 782-2300 or send her an EMAIL. Rhode Island Divorce Lawyer Brenda L. Fortune is well experienced in Child Custday and Child Support matters. Call Rhode Island Family Law Lawyer Brenda L. Fortune today to receive your free initial consultation.

 

Rhode Island Divorce Lawyer Brenda L. Fortune Posts Henry S. Gornbein Artilce: What is a Divorce?

12 Nov

What Is A Divorce?

Over my many years of specializing in family law I have handled thousands of divorces. These have run from very simple, uncontested matters to complicated cases. Many involve custody and other disputes regarding children. I have also had divorces where people have fought over millions of dollars in assets. The question that I am posing, and would like to answer, is as follows: What is a divorce?

A divorce can be many things. It is a legal proceeding to end a marriage. Divorce laws differ from state to state regarding the requirements and reasons or grounds for a divorce. The mechanisms and procedures for obtaining a divorce differ from state to state as well. In every state there is a legal requirement that a divorce proceeding be filed to end the legal marriage between a couple.

A divorce is a weapon. It can be a legal weapon. It can also be a verbal weapon which too frequently is used by an unhappy spouse who will hurl a threat: “If you do not do this, I will divorce you.” This often is a means of control. It is also dirty fighting. Sometimes this threat of a divorce is a means of keeping someone in a marriage. To me, it is a statement that the marriage is in trouble and could perhaps end in a divorce unless the parties go into counseling.

I tell my divorce clients that a divorce is extremely painful. It is going to be one of the most horrible events that occurs in a lifetime. Psychologists say that the most traumatic event a person can experience is the death of a child. Second is the death of a spouse in an intact marriage. Third is a divorce. Never minimize the psychological impact of a divorce.

There is also a psychological divorce. This occurs when one or both spouses finally let go of the relationship and move on emotionally. I believe that a psychological divorce is just as important, if not more important, than a legal divorce. Emotionally it is much more devastating than the legal divorce. Until both people in a marriage let go, they will continue to battle through the Courts. This will create havoc and damage, often for years to come. Long after the legal divorce is over, people fight over custody, child support, and any other issue in order to continue the psychological battle through the Courts.

In addition to the legal divorce, there can be a religious divorce. In Catholicism, there is an annulment that is necessary in order to remarry in the church. In Judaism, there is a GET, or religious divorce, which is necessary before an Orthodox or Conservative Jew can remarry in the Jewish Faith. There is also a Muslim divorce. Other religions also have means of recognizing the end of the marriage through religious ceremonies or requirements before there can be a remarriage in a particular faith.

Divorce is not only painful, but it can be very costly. It can be damaging. Costs and damages in a divorce depend on the complexity of the case. They depend on how angry or inappropriate each spouse is going to act. The amount and complexity of the finances and whether custody is an issue, can increase the costs and attorney fees tremendously. These are things that you should think about as you decide whether or not, and how you want to have a divorce.

As you can see, a divorce can be many things. It is much more than a legal proceeding. A divorce encompasses many areas and will impact upon your life, your spouses’, as well as your children’s. If you have young children, they will be impacted and often scarred for many, many years. Think about this carefully. Filing for divorce should be a last resort, not your first impulse. These are some of my thoughts on the connotation of the word divorce. What are yours?

By: HENRY S. GORNBEIN
Family Law Attorney & Legal Correspondent

If you are in need of a experience Rhode Island Divorce Lawyer Brenda L. Fortune contact her now at 401 782-2300 or send her an EMAIL. Rhode Island Divorce Lawyer Brenda L. Fortune is well experienced in Child Custday and Child Support matters. Call Rhode Island Family Law Lawyer Brenda L. Fortune today to receive your free initial consultation.

 

Rhode Island Divorce Lawyer Brenda L. Fortune posts a copy of Suzanna de Baca’s Article: Facing a Divorce?

28 Jul

Suzanna de Baca article: Facing a divorce? Protect your finances

Divorce is in our face every day. The broken marriages of Hollywood stars and political power couples fill our TV screens and magazine pages. Our email and Facebook accounts reveal that a friend’s “perfect marriage” wasn’t what it seemed.

You may shake your head and think “not me.” Then there you are.

During my time as a financial advisor I counseled many clients about their money as they went through a divorce — and I even experienced one of my own. Most of us anticipate a certain level of emotional turmoil. But are you prepared for the financial fallout?

The good news is you can avoid most of them with a bit of diligence and planning. If you’re currently facing a divorce, here are some things I’d suggest:

1. Do your homework. It’s critical to assess how your divorce will impact both your short and long-term financial goals. Take time to account for any household items that you’ll need to replace and evaluate how this will affect your immediate cash flow. Understand your total net worth (assets and liabilities), and other significant financial obligations including mortgage or rent payments, retirement plan contributions, child support and alimony payments. If you have young children, project future expenses including car insurance, tuition and other large purchases which often accompany the teenage years, as well as more immediate needs such as daycare.

2. Understand your assets. Not all assets are created equal. Instead of allowing emotions to drive your decisions, carefully evaluate the financial benefits and consequences of different assets before you negotiate your settlement. It’s tempting to ask for the house, but your residence, while valuable, is an asset that requires mortgage payments and a considerable amount of upkeep. Instead, consider requesting a portion of your spouse’s retirement plan – a tax-deferred and potentially appreciating asset.

3. Update your financial accounts. Immediately revise the beneficiaries on your checking and savings accounts, investments, retirement plans and life insurance policies and update your will. Update all property deeds and car titles – the names of former owners are not automatically removed following a divorce. You may also want to cancel credit cards or ensure your spouse is no longer an authorized user on your accounts. Also confirm that you have been removed as a co-owner on your former spouse’s accounts so you aren’t held liable if they fail to meet an obligation.

4. Review your insurance coverage. Your insurance needs may change once you’re single. Evaluate your life, health, disability, auto and property insurance policies and confirm that you have adequate coverage for yourself and any dependants. Ask the court to require your former spouse to maintain life and disability insurance to protect any child support or alimony that is owed to you, in the event that they die prematurely or are no longer able to work.

5. Seek expert financial advice. Your attorney will play an essential role in your divorce proceedings, but don’t assume your lawyer is a financial expert. Consider working with a financial advisor who can help you with all aspects of your financial life before and after your divorce is finalized. This may include determining fair separation of assets, evaluating cash flow and liabilities, recommending budgets, examining your protection needs and identifying favorable tax strategies.

If you are in need of a experience Rhode Island Divorce Lawyer Brenda L. Fortune contact her now at 401 782-2300 or send her an EMAIL. Rhode Island Divorce Lawyer Brenda L. Fortune is well experienced in Child Custday and Child Support matters. Call Rhode Island Family Law Lawyer Brenda L. Fortune today to receive your free initial consultation.

 

Rhode Island Divorce Lawyer Brenda L. Fortune Posts RI Supreme Court Opinion affecting Child Support Issues

15 Apr

http://www.courts.ri.gov/Courts/SupremeCourt/OpinionsOrders/pdf-files/09-34.pdf

WRITTEN BY: Justice Maureen McKenna Goldberg
SOURCE OF APPEAL: Providence County Family Court
JUDGE FROM LOWER COURT:
Chief Judge Jeremiah S. Jeremiah, Jr.
General Magistrate John J. O’Brien, Jr.
ATTORNEYS ON APPEAL:
For Plaintiff: Cristine L. McBurney, Esq.
For Defendant: Karen Auclair Oliveira, Esq.

Supreme Court
No. 2009-34-Appeal.
(P 07-747M)

Cesar Tamayo :
v. :
Paula Arroyo. :

NOTICE: This opinion is subject to formal revision before
publication in the Rhode Island Reporter. Readers are
requested to notify the Opinion Analyst, Supreme Court of
Rhode Island, 250 Benefit Street, Providence, Rhode Island
02903, at Telephone 222-3258 of any typographical or
other formal errors in order that corrections may be made
before the opinion is published.
Supreme Court
No. 2009-34-Appeal.
(P 07-747M)
Cesar Tamayo :
v. :
Paula Arroyo. :
Present: Suttell, C.J., Goldberg, Flaherty, Robinson, and Indeglia, JJ.
O P I N I O N
Justice Goldberg, for the Court. This case came before the Supreme Court on
December 1, 2010, pursuant to an order directing the parties to appear and show cause
why the issues raised in this appeal should not summarily be decided. In this appeal, the
defendant, Paula Arroyo (Arroyo or defendant), appeals from a Family Court order in
favor of Cesar Tamayo (Tamayo or plaintiff), the father of her child.1 This appeal stems
from a miscellaneous action Tamayo filed in March 2007 seeking to establish custody,
visitation and child support for the minor child of the parties, Samantha Tamayo
(Samantha or minor child), who was born on November 24, 2005. After reviewing the
memoranda submitted by the parties and the arguments of counsel, we are satisfied that
cause has not been shown; thus, the appeal may be decided at this time. For the reasons
set forth below, we vacate the order of the Family Court and remand this case for
proceedings in accordance with this opinion.
1 Cesar Tamayo and Paula Arroyo have never been married to each other. Tamayo
engaged in an extra-marital affair with Arroyo, which resulted in the birth of their child.
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Facts and Travel
After Tamayo filed his petition, Arroyo filed a counterclaim, seeking sole
custody, child support, and medical insurance for the minor child. During the trial, the
Family Court magistrate heard testimony from plaintiff, defendant, and Lieutenant
Colonel Ricottilli (Lt. Col. Ricottilli), an accountant with the Rhode Island National
Guard, where Tamayo was working as a military technician and also was a member of
the Rhode Island National Guard.2 Lieutenant Colonel Ricottilli testified about
Tamayo’s income from both positions. The testimony disclosed that Tamayo received a
one-time bonus from the National Guard in March 2007 and also regularly received a
“locality adjustment payment.”3 Additionally, although Tamayo’s Family Court filings
reported he received $1,350 per month in rental income, his 2006 tax return reflected a
loss of nearly $18,000 from those properties.
Arroyo testified about Samantha’s day-care expenses and also attempted to have
the child’s former day-care provider testify. However, when plaintiff suggested that
defendant’s day-care provider might have been paid in cash—which was unreported
income—and that she may be in the United States illegally, the magistrate refused to
allow the witness to testify without first producing immigration documents and tax
returns. The magistrate declared, “[t]here’s no way [plaintiff is] paying someone who is
not reporting income and [who is] receiving it under the table.” When the witness failed
2 In addition to testimony from these witnesses, it appears that there was much discussion
between counsel and the magistrate in chambers that is not part of the record, leading to a
confusing and incomplete record. We consistently have condemned this practice.
3 There was no testimony about the locality adjustment payment that was shown on
plaintiff’s paystub, which was admitted as a full exhibit. Apparently there was a lengthy
chambers discussion that was not placed on the record.
- 2 -
to return to court with these documents, the magistrate drew an inference that she was
“cheating the government.” He therefore refused to order plaintiff to reimburse
defendant for past day-care expenses.4 With respect to Arroyo’s prospective day-care
expenses, counsel suggested that plaintiff’s mother, or wife, to whom he was married at
the time Samantha was born, could care for the child at no cost to the parties. However,
no evidence was introduced about the validity or viability of this offer.
In February 2008, the magistrate issued a bench decision and an order that
provided in relevant part: “As to [p]laintiff’s BAQ military income, which is
[nontaxable] and not reportable to the Internal Revenue Service, and which is received by
him on a regular basis, that income is excluded from the calculation of this [Child-
Support] Order.” The magistrate’s wording with respect to plaintiff’s “BAQ income” has
led to some confusion, specifically because it appears that he used the term
interchangeably with “locality pay,” notwithstanding that the terms have very distinct
meanings. “BAQ” is a colloquial term for “basic allowance for quarters;” it refers to an
allowance that members of the military receive for housing if they are not assigned to a
military housing facility. 37 U.S.C. § 403(a)(1). “Locality pay,” on the other hand, is a
cost of living benefit that any federal government employee may receive based on his or
her geographical assignment. 5 U.S.C. §§ 5301, 5304. When pressed about which benefit
he was excluding, the magistrate responded, “regulatory or locality pay,” or “other
income that he receives which would be generally speaking for quarters, uniforms, et
4 We look with disfavor upon the magistrate’s handling of this witness. After being
informed of potential Internal Revenue Service (IRS) and deportation consequences, the
witness nevertheless elected to testify. However, the magistrate inappropriately refused
to allow her to do so. We know of no law or court rule that requires a witness to prove
his or her legal status or compliance with federal tax laws as a condition precedent to
testifying in our courts.
- 3 -
cetera[.]” Our careful review of the record discloses that there was no evidence that
plaintiff received “BAQ income” and therefore that payment, if any, is not before us.
However, evidence concerning plaintiff’s locality adjustment payments was
misconceived by the magistrate.
The order also excluded any income Tamayo received from his rental properties,
based on the magistrate’s finding that these properties generated a loss, as reported on his
2006 tax return. Additionally, as to Arroyo’s day-care expenses, the order states that
there would be no retroactive payment of day-care costs by Tamayo because of the
“inference drawn by this [c]ourt that there have been cash payments by [defendant] to
[the day-care provider], * * * [and] that she is cheating the government.” With respect to
prospective expenses, the magistrate ordered that “[i]f [defendant] opts to use the [daycare]
provider that she has, the obligation for [day care] would be 100 percent hers
because there is in fact free day care available.” Finally, rather than establishing a
specific amount of child support as is required by the guidelines, the magistrate directed
the attorneys to draft an agreed-upon order that simply reiterated his bench decision.
Therefore, to date, no specific dollar amount for the support of this child has been
ordered.
Arroyo sought review of the magistrate’s decision, in accordance with G.L. 1956
§ 8-10-3.1(d),5 arguing that the magistrate erred with respect to these findings. In a
5 General Laws 1956 § 8-10-3.1(d) provides in pertinent part:
“A party aggrieved by an order entered by a magistrate shall be
entitled to a review of the order by a justice of the [F]amily [C]ourt.
Unless otherwise provided in the rules of procedure of the [F]amily
[C]ourt, such review shall be on the record and appellate in nature.”
- 4 -
written decision and order entered in November 2008, all but one of the magistrate’s
findings were affirmed by the then-chief judge of the Family Court.6 Arroyo appealed to
this Court and argued the same issues that were challenged below. The plaintiff asks this
Court to affirm the Family Court’s order and alternatively argues that this appeal is not
properly before the Court.
Standard of Review
General Laws 1956 § 15-5-16.2(a) “provides that the Family Court ‘shall order
either or both parents owing a duty of support to a child to pay an amount based upon a
formula and guidelines adopted by an administrative order of the [F]amily [C]ourt.’”
Waters v. Magee, 877 A.2d 658, 665 (R.I. 2005) (quoting § 15-5-16.2(a)); see Family
Court Administrative Order 87-2. “It is well established that the appropriate award of
child support is to be determined by the trial justice in his or her sound discretion, and we
shall not disturb such a determination on review absent a clear abuse of that discretion.”
Mattera v. Mattera, 669 A.2d 538, 542 (R.I. 1996); see Gibbons v. Gibbons, 619 A.2d
432, 435 (R.I. 1993); Sullivan v. Sullivan, 460 A.2d 1248, 1249 (R.I. 1983); Brierly v.
Brierly, 431 A.2d 410, 415 (R.I. 1981).
6 The magistrate also found that Tamayo was entitled to a credit for adding Samantha to
his health insurance. The reviewing judge determined that the magistrate erred because
there was no evidence that this insurance cost Tamayo anything. That issue was reversed
and remanded for the magistrate to determine whether Tamayo had incurred any costs,
and is not before this Court.
- 5 -
Analysis
I
Jurisdiction
The plaintiff first argues that this case is not properly before the Court on direct
appeal. The plaintiff correctly states that G.L. 1956 § 14-1-52(b) governs the method of
seeking appellate review of a modification of a child-support order. Rather than filing a
direct appeal, a party seeking relief from a modification of a child-support order must file
a petition for writ of certiorari and will be heard by this Court only if the discretionary
writ is issued.7 The plaintiff contends that this is an appeal from a modification of a
child-support order for which review by way of petition for certiorari is required. We
reject this contention. The order that is the subject of this appeal is the only child-support
order between these parties; it neither modifies nor supplants any prior child-support
order and, because the parties are not married, the order is not part of a decision pending
entry of final judgment of divorce. Therefore, the provisions of § 14-1-52(a) are
controlling, and defendant appropriately has invoked this Court’s jurisdiction to decide
the issues raised in this appeal.
7 General Laws 1956 § 14-1-52 states in pertinent part:
“(a) From any final decree, judgment, order, decision, or verdict of the
[F]amily [C]ourt, except as provided in subsection (b) of this section, there
shall be an appeal to the [S]upreme [C]ourt * * *.
“(b) Every person aggrieved by any * * * order * * * of the
[F]amily [C]ourt relating to modification * * * of child support, [may] * *
* seek review of questions of law in the [S]upreme [C]ourt by petition for
writ of certiorari * * *. [T]he [S]upreme [C]ourt may, if it sees fit, issue
its writ of certiorari to the [F]amily [C]ourt * * *.” (Emphases added.)
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II
Child-Support Order
a) Policy of Child-Support Guidelines
The Family Court Child-Support Guidelines & Administrative Order (childsupport
guidelines) “are based on the incomes of both parents” and are designed to afford
“the children of the parties the greatest possible support.” Family Court Administrative
Order 87-2, I.;8 see § 15-5-16.2(a). We consistently have stated that “[t]he guiding
principle in setting a child-support award is to balance the needs of the child against the
financial ability of the absent parent.” Paradiso v. Paradiso, 122 R.I. 1, 3, 404 A.2d 60,
61 (1979). “A court may consider all relevant factors, including the financial resources
and needs of the child and each of the parents * * * [and] the Family Court may ‘consider
every factor that would serve to reveal in totality the circumstances and conditions’
bearing on the welfare of the children.” Sullivan, 460 A.2d at 1250 (quoting Bellows v.
Bellows, 119 R.I. 689, 693, 382 A.2d 816, 819 (1978)). This Court defines a parent’s
ability to pay very broadly, to “provide the child or children with the greatest possible
support.” Lembo v. Lembo, 624 A.2d 1089, 1090 (R.I. 1993); see Adam v. Adam, 624
A.2d 1093, 1097 (R.I. 1993); Sullivan, 460 A.2d at 1250; Brierly, 431 A.2d at 415.
b) National Guard Income
The magistrate determined that Tamayo’s child-support obligations would be
based on both his military and civilian earnings, but would not include “other income that
he receives which would be generally speaking for quarters, uniforms, et cetera, which is
8 The guidelines were originally promulgated in 1987. Although the child-support
schedule has been amended every five years, each amended order states that “[t]he
instructions for the use of the [g]uideline worksheet set forth in prior Administrative
Order 87-2 should continue to be followed.”
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received on a regular basis[,]” because such income was not reportable to the IRS.
Additionally, the magistrate did not indicate whether the one-time bonus plaintiff
received was included in the child-support order. In both respects, we are satisfied that,
in failing to make such a finding, the magistrate erred.
The starting point for determining whether a parent’s income will be included for
child-support purposes is the definition set forth in the child-support guidelines. Such
income:
“[I]ncludes, but is not limited to, income from salaries,
wages, commissions, bonuses, dividends, severance pay,
pensions, interest, trust income, annuities, capital gains,
social security benefits, worker’s compensation benefits,
unemployment insurance benefits, disability insurance
benefits, gifts, prizes, and alimony or maintenance
received, and all other forms of earned [or] unearned
income. Specifically excluded are benefits received from
means-tested public assistance programs * * *.” Family
Court Administrative Order 87-2, IV.B.1. (Emphases
added.)
The child-support guidelines provide an expansive definition of income, providing a nonexhaustive
list of types of income and ending with a catchall provision for all other forms
of income, whether earned or unearned. The only types of income excluded are “benefits
received from means-tested public assistance programs.” Id. The child-support
guidelines also include as income “[e]xpense reimbursements or in-kind payments
received * * * if they are significant and reduce[] personal living expenses.” Id.
Significantly, the definition of income is not in any way related to whether it is reportable
to the IRS.
Throughout the trial, the magistrate made it clear to the parties that he was not
going to include nontaxable income in the child-support order. Because there is not an
- 8 -
exception for nontaxable income in the child-support guidelines, we deem this holding to
be erroneous and contrary to the inclusive definition of income set forth in the childsupport
guidelines. Further, because locality adjustment pay addresses the recipient’s
cost of living, this amount should have been viewed as income based on the clear
mandate that “[e]xpense reimbursements or in-kind payments received [shall be
considered income] * * * if they are significant and reduce[] personal living expenses.”
Family Court Administrative Order 87-2, IV.B.1. By failing to include locality pay as
income, the magistrate misconceived the evidence and committed legal error.
We next address the magistrate’s reliance on Tamayo’s 2006 tax return
notwithstanding that more recent information—such as evidence of plaintiff’s 2007
income—was available for review. We are satisfied that the magistrate abused his
discretion by confining his review to the plaintiff’s 2006 reported earnings. Additionally,
the magistrate should have included plaintiff’s one-time bonus, in accordance with
Family Court Administrative Order 87-2. It appears that the magistrate overlooked this
evidence. On remand, we direct the Family Court to calculate the child-support
payments based upon plaintiff’s income as set forth in his employment records, without
regard to whether that income is taxable income or reportable on his tax returns.
c) Rental Income
In addition to an expansive definition of “income” for purposes of child support,
the child-support guidelines provide that “income and expenses from self-employment or
operation of a business should be carefully reviewed to determine an appropriate level of
gross income available to the parent to satisfy a child support obligation. In some
instances, this amount will differ from a determination of business income for income tax
- 9 -
purposes.” Family Court Administrative Order 87-2, IV.B.1. (Emphases added.)
Although Tamayo reported on his financial statement that he received approximately
$1,350 in monthly income from his various rental properties, he testified that he had
operated those properties at a loss, as reported on his 2006 income tax return. In finding
that defendant was not entitled to benefit from any of plaintiff’s rental income, the
magistrate relied on his 2006 income tax return and failed to perform the careful review
of plaintiff’s rental income and expenses as required by the child-support guidelines. The
magistrate chose to ignore the abundance of testimony presented on this issue. He based
his decision solely on Tamayo’s 2006 tax return, in contravention of the guidelines’
explicit instruction that rental and business income may be different for child-support
purposes, a reflection of the fact that taxable income does not always indicate one’s
ability to pay. On remand, we direct the Family Court to carefully review and analyze
plaintiff’s rental income and expenses and make specific findings about the amount, if
any, available to support this child.
d) Day-care Expenses
The guidelines allow for reimbursement of child-care expenses, conditioned on
such costs being “reasonable; that is, such costs should not exceed the level required to
provide quality care for the child(ren).” Family Court Administrative Order 87-2,
IV.B.7.a. The defendant testified that she was spending approximately $140-150 per
week on day care. Instead of determining whether these costs were reasonable, the
magistrate relied on plaintiff’s assertions that Arroyo’s provider was not reporting her
income to the IRS and that Tamayo’s wife and his mother were willing and able to
provide day care for free. He eventually held that Arroyo was not entitled to
- 10 -
reimbursement for past or future day-care expenses. We deem this a clear abuse of
discretion.
The sole criterion of whether a parent’s day-care costs may be included in the
child-support calculation is whether those costs are reasonable. Family Court
Administrative Order 87-2, IV.B.7.a. Here, the magistrate’s sole focus centered on
whether the child’s day-care provider was “cheating the government” and inappropriately
required Arroyo to choose between placing the child with the plaintiff’s family or
shouldering the expenses herself. These considerations were especially egregious given
that no evidence was presented about either issue. We therefore hold that Arroyo is
entitled to reimbursement for a portion of the day-care expenses, made retroactive to the
date of the petition. We remand this case to the Family Court for a calculation, based
solely on the reasonableness of the day-care expenses as provided in the child-support
guidelines.
Conclusion
For the reasons stated, the defendant’s appeal is sustained. The order of the
Family Court is vacated, and the papers in the case are remanded to the Family Court for
further proceedings in accordance with this opinion.
- 11 -
RHODE ISLAND SUPREME COURT CLERK’S OFFICE
Clerk’s Office Order/Opinion Cover Sheet
TITLE OF CASE: Cesar Tamayo v. Paula Arroyo.
CASE NO: No. 2009-34-Appeal
(P 07-747M)
COURT: Supreme Court
DATE OPINION FILED: April 1, 2011
JUSTICES: Suttell, C.J., Goldberg, Flaherty, Robinson, and Indeglia, JJ.

If you are in need of a experience Rhode Island Divorce Lawyer Brenda L. Fortune contact her now at 401 782-2300 or send her an EMAIL. Rhode Island Divorce Lawyer Brenda L. Fortune is well experienced in Child Custday and Child Support matters. Call Rhode Island Family Law Lawyer Brenda L. Fortune today to receive your free initial consultation.

 

Rhode Island RI Divorce Lawyer Brenda L. Fortune Posts Article on the Secret to Avoiding Divorce

22 Feb

What’s the Secret to Avoiding Divorce?
Elisabeth Joy LaMotte, LICSW .Author, ‘Overcoming Your Parents’ Divorce: 5 Steps to a Happy Relationship ‘

Want to avoid divorce? Want to give your marriage the best chance for lasting success? Before it’s too late, date!

Dating is especially important for couples with young children. Why? Because, while there is nothing more rewarding than raising kids, children come with an endless series of tasks, chores and responsibilities that tend to focus on the household. So couples must exit their household in order to take adequate space from their demanding routines, recharge and reconnect romantically.

Let’s get something out of the way: most marriages fail for reasons far more complicated than a lack of dating. And by the time the unhappiest of married couples reach the therapy office, many marriages are way too far gone to be saved by a series of dates.

However, the longer I work as a couples therapist, the more convinced I become that the place where many good marriages can start to deteriorate is rooted in a couples’ joint failure to recognize the importance of making time to date. I practically beg the married couples I work with to date. I share with them Divorce’s Dirty Little Secret: that many divorced parents secretly enjoy their regular break from their kids. That many wish they had realized the importance of down time and figured out a way to make time for themselves and their spouse while they were still married. Eyebrows usually rise with surprise when this information is revealed. For some, Divorce’s Dirty Secret can be a motivator. And yet, try as I may, I tend to hear the same two excuses every time:

Excuse Number One: Time

An exhausted working mother of three laments:

I hardly see my kids enough as it is given my long hours at work. How can I leave them at night when evenings are my only chance to be with them?
Her heartfelt words are repeated to me by parent after parent, pretty much verbatim, during my ongoing campaign to encourage couples with young children to get out of the house and go on a date.

Excuse Number Two: Money

The idea of a date sounds great. But when you add up the cost of the babysitter, dinner, and a movie at today’s prices, it seems like a waste. Why not just put the kids to bed and watch a movie at home?
Probably ninety percent of today’s parents have voiced some version of this sentence to their friends, family, or therapist when contemplating the barriers to dating once you become a parent. It’s a great idea to watch a movie with your spouse once your kids are asleep, but this does not count as a date. The movie will most likely be paused at least twice to deal with household chores, emails or children who can’t sleep, and consider yourselves lucky if both viewers stay awake for the entire film.

When two people love each other and love their kids, there is obviously nothing better than family time, but there is also a cost to family time. It can be exceptionally tiring and energy consuming. We all – married, single, dating, working outside the home, working from home – need a break sometimes. Not just for ourselves, but for our relationships.

Overcoming the Barriers to Dating

I wish a simple solution existed that made access to dating easier. When families were less spread out geographically, grandparents and extended family members were typically able to take on a greater day-to-day role in the children’s lives, and this effectively addressed both barriers. Time away from parents was viewed positively as an investment in developing close bonds with grandparents. And the financial advantages are obvious. Fewer extended families enjoy the close proximity of past generations; however, many parents can do more to reach out to grandparents and extended family, either through inviting them to town or figuring out ways to bring children to see grandparents more frequently. Also, more and more communities are developing babysitting cooperatives to defray the costs of babysitting and make childcare a more social and perhaps more enjoyable time where neighbors connect and children can socialize with one another.

Consider reaching out to any trusted family or friends who might provide free childcare. Also, look into whether your community has a babysitting coop. If they don’t, start one!!! When you hesitate to leave your children, even for one night, remember that it is important for children to know that their parents love each other and value both their family time and their romantic time.

When ending therapy with couples who have children, I encourage them to direct the money they have budgeted to pay me toward a babysitting fund. After all, babysitting is cheaper than therapy and astronomically cheaper than divorce!

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/elisabeth-joy-lamotte-licsw/whats-the-secret-to-avoid_b_824085.html

If you are in need of a experience Rhode Island Divorce Lawyer Brenda L. Fortune contact her now at 401 782-2300 or send her an EMAIL. Rhode Island Divorce Lawyer Brenda L. Fortune is well experienced in Child Custday and Child Support matters. Call Rhode Island Family Law Lawyer Brenda L. Fortune today to receive your free initial consultation.

 

Rhode Island RI Divorce and Child Custody Lawyer Brenda L. Fortune Posts Christina Gregoire Article

21 Feb

More Single Women than Married Women in USWomen in American Society are Less Likely Than Ever to Have Husbands

by Christina Gregoire

More Single Women than Married Women in US: Women in American Society are Less Likely Than Ever to Have Husbands
There are now more single than married women in the US. Women in American society are less likely than ever to have a husband.

More American women are single than ever before. What are the reasons?

According to the 2007 article, “51% of Women Are Now Living Without Spouse,” New York Times writer Sam Roberts analyzes census results and claims that this may be the first time, in American history, that more women are unmarried than married.

Single Women
The article continues, “In 2005, 51 percent of women said they were living without a spouse.” For some older women, this may be a shock. For others, this may not be news, at all.

Read more at Suite101: More Single Women than Married Women in US: Women in American Society are Less Likely Than Ever to Have Husbands http://www.suite101.com/content/more-single-women-than-married-women-a139290#ixzz1EkbqwztC

Statistics about the number of married couples have been trending downward for years. And in 2005, the tipping point was reached, as data showed less than half of all American households included a husband and wife. Some of the reasons for this trend:

•Young ladies choose to marry later in life
•Older women remain single after divorce or widowhood
•Women are looking for someone who is good for them
•Divorce has become more common within the last few decades
Race and Marriage
Roberts says that the statistics on single-women households varied when broken down along racial lines. Seventy percent of African American women and fifty-one percent of Hispanic women are currently unmarried. Forty-five percent of white women (non-Hispanic) and forty percent of Asian women are unmarried. The percentage of unmarried black women might be astounding to women who have never heard this sad statistic.

Why So Many Singles?
Why are there so many single women? Roberts believes these are some of the main reasons:

•Sometimes, the numbers reflect a temporary arrangement, such as when a husband is in the military.
•Many women wait until they finish college or establish their careers before marrying.
•Older women often find that they have paid their dues while raising kids and taking care of their husbands, and find they like their newfound freedom.
•Others have not found a suitable new man, though they would remarry, given the right circumstances.
Change in America
Professor Stephanie Coontz, from Evergreen State College near Seattle, is quoted by Roberts as saying, “On average, Americans now spend half their adult lives outside marriage.”

In the same article, William H. Frey, who studies statistics for the Brookings Institute, Washington DC, described this new world as a time of “greater independence and more flexible lifestyles.” Frey explains that younger women understand they will spend much of their lives alone. Yet, the concern is that many older women do not like living alone.

However, many older women are happier being single because they don’t have to answer to anyone. They can spend their time and money as they see fit. Also, many of their cohorts are divorced or widowed, so they have single friends.

Marriage Statistics
Roberts based his analysis upon the 2005 Census Bureau’s American Community Survey. Of the 117 million women age 15 and over:

•63 million are married
•3.1 million are legally separated
•2.4 million have a husband who lives elsewhere
This means that 57.5 million American women live with a husband and 59.9 million are living with no husband in the home, for various reasons.

A larger percentage of men, about 53 percent, are married. This is possible because there are a greater number of women than men.

How will America change as more and more Baby Boomers become single? No one knows for sure, but most likely, there will be an even higher percentage of single women in the future. So, single gals will most certainly have a lot of friends in the neighborhood.

Read more at Suite101: More Single Women than Married Women in US: Women in American Society are Less Likely Than Ever to Have Husbands http://www.suite101.com/content/more-single-women-than-married-women-a139290#ixzz1EkbgbN9K

http://www.suite101.com/content/more-single-women-than-married-women-a139290

If you are in need of a experience Rhode Island Divorce Lawyer Brenda L. Fortune contact her now at 401 782-2300 or send her an EMAIL. Rhode Island Divorce Lawyer Brenda L. Fortune is well experienced in Child Custday and Child Support matters. Call Rhode Island Family Law Lawyer Brenda L. Fortune today to receive your free initial consultation.

 

Rhode Island RI Divorce and Child Custody Lawyer Brenda L. Fortune Posts Ruskay-Rabinor Article

04 Feb

When Divorce Expands a Family

Judith Ruskay Rabinor Ph.D.

Divorced families are often described as disconnected, diminished and cut off, but last week I met with an old friend, Brandy, who reminded me that this stereotype is often unfair and inaccurate. Brandy’s story offers the opposite lesson: that while divorce brings with it many problems, it can expand and enrich a family, sometimes in incredibly unexpected ways.

Twenty years ago, when Brandy married Joel, his active, energetic two year-old son Brian came to live with them. Brian soon tested Brandy’s limits. One morning, late to work and racing to get out of the house, Brandy was trying to get Brian’s sneakers tied to get him to daycare. Brian wiggled and cried and was on the brink of a full-blown tantrum. Brandy burst into tears. Working full time and juggling their new domestic lives, she and Joel had quickly moved from the romantic stage of their relationship to “Did-ya-dump-the garbage-and-what-are-we-having -for dinner?” How had her life become so overwhelming?

Just then the phone rang. It was Brandy’s mother, Sheila, who lived three flights up in the same apartment building. When Sheila heard Brandy’s plight, she arrived at her door, made short work of Brian’s untied shoes, and promptly fell in love with the adorable toddler.

At the time, Brian lived with Brandy and Joel during the week, and spent weekends with his biological mother, Lynn. In those early and painful days of divorce, Lynn and Joel had stopped speaking, and Brandy, feeling loyal to her new husband, avoided Lynn as well. Later Brandy would admit to feeling threatened by Joel’s ex wife, a beautiful and bohemian actress.

True to stereotype, divorce had disconnected and diminished this family. But little by little, things changed. For a starter, Sheila, a working playwright, offered herself as a “bridge” between Brian’s two families, and her apartment was used for Brian’s drop offs and pick-ups.

It didn’t take long for Sheila to relish her new role as a first time grandparent. Sheila realized that Brian needed all the adults in his life to get along– and that she could play a crucial role in creating an expanded family. Deliberately bonding with Brian’s mother, Sheila soon learned that Lynn had lost her mother at an early age, and now felt adrift about her own mothering skills. Sheila, a warm and creative person, adored mentoring the young and floundering Lynn, professionally as well as in the mothering department. When Brandy learned of Lynn’s vulnerabilities and saw the bond that had arisen between her mother and Lynn, she began to feel less threatened by her husband’s beautiful ex wife. Feeling more secure, Brandy became curious, and one evening, when Lynn called to discuss the weekend schedule, Brandy found herself lingering on the phone. The two women began a lengthy conversation about their shared interest–Brian.

Therapists often talk about family systems–if a teenage daughter has, for example, an eating disorder, the problem can be traced to a whole system of dysfunctional interactions within the family system. If other people in the family can become healthier, chances are so can the suffering individual. Divorce, too, affects not only the divorcing couple, but the entire family system–children, new spouses, and new in-laws. Every time one person in the family grows, new options emerge for healing the entire system. That’s what happened with Brandy and her family.

Soon after that first conversation with Lynn, Brandy realized that if she wanted to get along with her stepson she had to get along with his biological mother. Lynn, for her part, continued to thrive under Sheila’s nurturing. Sheila found the role of “bridge” suited her in ways she could never have imagined. Before long, Sheila, Brandy and Lynn often found themselves putting their heads together to resolve the everyday problems of managing an active two year old who was now living in two homes.

The healing connections spread. Now that Brandy felt comfortable with Lynn, it was easier for her to encourage Joel to reconnect to Brian’s biological mother in positive ways. It was a domino effect. Because once Joel and Lynn had thawed to one another, a new and loving expanded family could heal the place in everyone’s hearts that had been torn open by the pain of divorce.

Brian now had three people (Joel, Lynn and Brandy) who cared deeply about him. And this had all sorts of practical implications. Most Mother’s Days and many holidays were spent in the company of his father, his biological mother, and his stepmother. Although he lived with Joel and Brandy, in the summer he spent a month with Lynn, which gave Joel and Brandy some time off.

What astonished my friend, Brandy, the most, however, was how much she, too, benefited from the expansions in her family. Within a short while, Lynn had proved to be a steadadfast support. When Joel was in one of his difficult, workaholic phases, it was Lynn who helped Brandy understand him better. When Brandy had a breast biopsy, it was Lynn and Sheila who accompanied her to the appointment and waited with her for the biopsy results.

As for Sheila — the wise grandmother who had first befriended Lynn and paved the way for Brandy to feel secure enough to befriend her new husband’s ex spouse — she too, benefited as a loving family system became established. In Sheila’s final years, when she was stricken by a series of debilitating illnesses, she was tended not only by her daughter, Brandy, but by Lynn as well. “She’s like a a second mother to me,” Lynn told Brandy, acknowledging how Sheila helped her sort through so many difficulties raising Brian.

As Brandy put it, “Lynn is not only Brian’s mother, but she’s really my friend as well. But she’s more than a friend–she’s a connection that doesn’t fit easily in any category. She’s not exactly a sister or a cousin, but she’s part of my family, part of my history.” Which brings me back to my point–divorce can expand a family, in unimaginable ways.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/judith-ruskay-rabinor/when-divorce-expands-a-fa_b_814950.html

If you are in need of a experience Rhode Island Divorce Lawyer Brenda L. Fortune contact her now at 401 782-2300 or send her an EMAIL. Rhode Island Divorce Lawyer Brenda L. Fortune is well experienced in Child Custday and Child Support matters. Call Rhode Island Family Law Lawyer Brenda L. Fortune today to receive your free initial consultation.

 

Brenda L. Fortune Rhode Island RI Divorce and Child Custody Lawyer: Article on Step-Parents

14 Jan

If you are in need of a experience Rhode Island Divorce Lawyer Brenda L. Fortune contact her now at 401 782-2300 or send her an EMAIL. Rhode Island Divorce Lawyer Brenda L. Fortune is well experienced in Child Custday and Child Support matters. Call Rhode Island Family Law Lawyer Brenda L. Fortune today to receive your free initial consultation.

Ex-Steps and (Non)Evil Step-mothers: An Unconventional Fairytale

Taylor Trudon Student, University of Connecticut

For as long as there has been Disney, female antagonists and little children in need of a good bedtime story, there have been evil step-mothers. There’s Cinderella. Hansel and Gretel. Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. The Baroness Von Schrader in The Sound of Music (well, technically it didn’t quite work out for her. Julie Andrews took care of that). But you get the point.

I think it would be fair to stay that step-mothers get a bad rap. In Disney movies, the film typically ends with the princess trotting off on her white steed with Prince Charming, while the evil step-mother disappears in a green cloud of smoke (or some other variation of elimination). As in, out of the picture.

In real life, when a marriage involving ex-step-parents ends, they sign a piece of paper and it’s over. Finito. Done.

As you may have noticed, there is no paperwork for the kids. Like a magical spell–poof!–that person is no longer your step-parent. No signature required.

So what happens when you have an ex-step?

First off, congratulations are in order. You are now part of an elite, exclusive club of individuals comparable to achieving American Airlines AAdvantage Executive Platinum status (except you gain more points by the number of divorces you’ve endured–not your frequent flyer miles). This membership officiates that not only have you survived one divorce (that of your biological parents), but two! We deserve gold medals–or at least first-class flights to Bora Bora for all that jetlag. Geez. As if one divorce isn’t exhausting enough.

Parents divorcing is complicated. Parents divorcing step-parents just took “complicated” to a whole new level.

As a child of three divorces (two of which have involved step-parents), I’ve noticed
two things have a tendency of happening following a divorce.

1.) The ex-step disappears very quickly.
2.) The ex-step slowly fades in the background.

This past year, scenario number two was beginning to settle in after my step-mom and dad made the decision to divorce. I finished up my junior year of college and headed to New York City for the summer to start an internship. We hugged good-bye and said we’d talk soon. It never happened.

I came back to school in August. One month went by. Then two. Then three. And then it was a week before Christmas.

You may be wondering why she never called…but I didn’t call either. It was like a weird break-up. You want to make the first move, but you don’t. You want to pick up the phone, but rationalize to yourself, “Well, if she wanted to call me, wouldn’t she have done it already?” So you don’t do anything at all. Meanwhile, she’s sharing the exact same sentiment.

There’s information and books out there that tell you how to deal with your parents’ divorce. But ex-steps? Not so much. Your parents divorcing is different than your step-parent divorcing a parent, but it is by no means less complicated. You’ve become part of their family–her aunts give you Christmas gifts and her parents have the magazine that you were published in displayed on their coffee table, for crying out loud. You can’t just cut ties.

I’m in no position to solicit advice, but what I can say is that when you’re dealing with a divorce that involves step-parents, you have a choice: you can have them be as involved or uninvolved in your life as you want. They can just be that contact that remains in your cell phone that never gets called, but you keep it there anyway (like any kind of “ex” in your life), or it they can be something more. It took almost six months for me to realize that, but it’s true. Here’s the catch: they don’t know that unless you tell them.

My ex-step is not evil, have ugly facial warts or concoct poison apple recipes. She’s probably seen more episodes of Friends than you, and I can guarantee that you will not find a bigger Rachel Green fan. She makes really good “healthy pancakes” that have cottage cheese in them that I would never touch with a 10-foot pole if someone else made them. She helped me set up my first big-girl checking account. She gave me a hug when I got that dreaded, skinny envelope in the mail during my senior year of high school. She dropped me off in scary New York City the weekend before I started my internship with a smile. You’ll be fine. I was. We’ll all be. I call this person my step-mom because really, how could she be anything less?

It’s not a fairytale or a perfect ending, but it can work–which is enough for me.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/taylor-trudon/exsteps-and-nonevil-stepm_b_808019.html

Follow Taylor Trudon on Twitter: www.twitter.com/TaylorTrudon